It's 4 weeks since he left. Not a word. He conveniently managed to avoid my birthday, Christmas, Boxing Day (our traditional party) and New Years. "and a Big Yellow Taxi took away my old man"...sing it Joni. You know. When Joni sings "I wish I had a river I could skate away on" I can relate. Very Canadian, that. A river to skate away on. But something so appealing, just glide away, cold air in my face, a subtle "woosh" from the skates...on and on until there is no one around, no one left, not even me.
So cliche, but "I can't believe it's been 4 weeks!" I have been dutifully practicing the D's---denial, dissociation, drinking (not so much, just a bit). I only cry when it attacks me, grabs me by the throat and explodes through my eyes and diaphragm. And I don't know why I cry, and it scares me, and the cats. Peaches comes over all concerned and mows and sniffs my face. And then it is gone and I go back to D1 (denial) for a bit.
I hate myself, I hate this body. I wish I were one of those alien creatures who only inhabits a corpse to move around in, and when it is destroyed, they just climb out and move on to something else (I'm sure I saw it in a movie once...one of those science fiction ones I never wanted to watch but did because he loves science fiction and I would do Anything to spend time with him and make him happy). I would crawl out of this fat, ugly body and inhabit Posh Spice or Keira Knightley.
I'm not angry at him. I think that might be why I am passively, indirectly killing myself.
Are you sitting down?
11 years ago
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7 comments:
I've been there - twice. Wanna talk?
Don't do it over him. He wasn't appreciative of you when you were together, so avenge yourself by being the best you there ever was. You're at a crossroads. Now if you become wonderful, they'll blame him for what you used to be. You can reinvent yourself. I've been where you are. It doesn't last forever. How can I help you?
Jack and Julie: I never really imagined anyone would read this, and the fact that you both took time to comment is really very touching. I am a bit astounded that strangers are so compassionate and encouraging to me. It is getting better. It really does help to know others have "been there" and survived. Thank you so much.
Q
Glad to know you are still alive. Now that you are "better," it's time to know more about you. What movies do you like? What books? Do you like gravy on your french fries? In other words, time for a new post, so BLOG SOMETHING!
So ... where's the new post? I'm waiting. I'm gonna keep prompting you until you post something.
Okay. So why did I just know this wasn't going to be easy? So maybe asking for a full sentence is stretching it at this point. So how about a word? Just a word. It doesn't even have to be a big word. Just "Hi." I'd be happy with just "Hi." (Although "Hello Jack" would be polite.) I mean, the Canadians I've known have been very polite. Not that you represent an entire country ... I mean, no pressure ... beyond just those two words ... I mean,who will know? Other than you and I? And the several hundred people I'm gonna tell if you don't answer ... no pressure.
Wow! I was pleased to hear from you - the highpoint of my day.
So ... having said that, may I beg a favor? I'd like a new post from you, please. Tell me about your day. What did you have for breakfast? Do you live in a large city or the country? What do you enjoy watching on TV (or do you watch TV at all)?
As it turns out, I remember the film Ishtar. I enjoyed it, but it was a financial disaster, as I recall.
I looked up Milan Kundera, to be sure I knew the person you were talking about. In attitude he reminds me of Jean-Paul Sartre. What do you think? What would you suggest I read to get the best impression of Kundera?
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