I haven't written for a while, too busy living life I guess, but my friend Alix posed some very good questions to me today. I answered via a comment to my previous post, but I thought I would also replicate our exchange here, to allow for other comments as well.
Anonymous said...
Some days it seems there is no point in going on. For what? I ask myself. A bad econmony? Rising gas prices, increased stress and medication to deal with it all (at an ever increasing price as well.)I don't need to always live in "my happy place", but I need a respite from Hell. Where did you find yours? Is it working for you? You seem happier. What changed?Alix
Q said...
Hello Alix...so good to hear from you again. You bring up good points, ones I am sure many, many people think of to varying degrees. Some days, I agree, it is like that. Why do I keep going on? For the other days. All the other days when the economy and gas prices and crap don't matter because someone you respect just told you they like your work, or someone cute just smiled at you on the bus, or your cat is kneading your chest and purring, telling you how glad she is for a snuggle. Then those bad things don't matter so much. Throughout time, the one consistent thing with humankind is we have continued. There were many occasions in history when things were very bleak, and people suffered--plagues, wars, poverty--and always the majority of people continued on.
I don't pretend to know what your own personal respite from Hell will be. I think ultimately you have to find it inside, but you can only do that by opening up to the outside. By that I mean let people in; friends, family, professionals, strangers, animals. Don't withdraw, don't hide.
You are right, I am happier now. Last Sunday was 6 months since my husband left me. I still have not seen or spoken to him. I still have no way of contacting him. I didn't think I could possibly find happiness again, but it found me! By taking time for myself, to be kind to myself; have a nice bath, a glass of wine, some good chocolate. Treats! Lowering my expectations of myself. Reaching out; allowing friends to provide what I needed and when; seeing my psychiatrist and believing him when he said time will heal; this blog, where I have had the opportunity to meet such bright, talented people, such as you. And, putting myself back out there. Dating. Not because I felt like it, but because I had to. "Fake it 'til you make it". Sometimes you have to go through the motions, even if you don't feel like it, go out, laugh, meet people. And, yes, medications. I have a mood disorder. I know that. And this latest catastrophe scared me; I thought I would go back into a black depression (I was in one 7 yrs ago). But, I didn't. I have a good doctor and he took care of me.
What changed for me is the passage of time, and receiving external validation, compliments and encouragement from others. And starting to like myself again. I'm a work in progress; I hope I always am. At 42, I still have some life to go, and I still have a lot of things I can and want to do. I still hurt, I still cry, but I don't feel hopeless, helpless or worthless anymore.
Q
Are you sitting down?
11 years ago
Posts
3 comments:
I read what you wrote, and I'm thinking it over. It made me weep that you seem to really get it.
Thanks for taking the time to say it.
Alix
Thank you so much for responding, Alix.
Emotional pain is the worst...I went through 10 yrs of painful orthodontics as a kid--young adult, complete with every kind of wire, implement, extractions, needles, etc. and culminating in jaw surgery where my jaw was broken and reset and I was wired shut for 6 wks. At the time I was on liquid codeine for the pain. That was NOTHING compared to the pain of hopelessness, helplessness, worthlessness....the pain of rejection, loss, grief. I will take physical pain ANY day. The sneaky thing about emotional pain though is that it always gets you to believe you are the ONLY one who feels this way, who has EVER felt this way, and it will NEVER get better....all very untrue. Since the beginning of recorded history, people have written, drawn and acted out their emotional pain. However, it is the physical pain that is easier/safer for people to identify with, to examine, treat, sympathize. For some reason physical pain doesn't do the sneaky trick emotional pain does...
You are not alone. Not by far. I look forward to talking/typing to you more. Take care.
Q
Hey Q,
I didn't tell you at the time, but I was first drawn to you because I had experienced the same rejection you were going thru at the time.
I can tell you now that one of the good things that come out of this (if there is a good thing) is that you can understand when someone else is going thru it.
You please me so much!I am honored to exchange comments with you.
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