Hairapy

What is it about having really great hair that can change your mood, your outlook, the way people respond to you? I had a great week last week, despite it being V-Day and all. I spent the cursed evening in Vancouver with my best friend and another girlfriend. All without male accoutrements for the day, we gathered in her metro-chic condo, ordered in a Thai feast, drank Champagne Cocktails and did girly stuff. We put on hair-masks and face-masks and did our toes and fingernails. And in our pjs with shower caps on and green muck drying on our faces, making it impossible to smile or laugh without looking slightly demonic, we toasted sisterhood and beauty products. Next day we all got our hair and makeup done and went for lunch, accompanied by alcoholic concoctions that seemed downright sinful for a Friday afternoon. And the hair! Best friend's now sleek and straight, shimmering a thousand caramel highlights, other friend looking like an updated Charlie's Angel, all waves and volume, and me---ME---Miss Straight-As-Pins Hair, full of glorious curls, ringlets even! I fairly glided out of the salon, curls bouncing as I went. I felt buoyant, different, beautiful. The curls lasted an incredible 4 days, and the compliments! Strange, a little thing like hair. But I felt I could take on the world, and win. The curls are gone now, but not the feeling.

I have a photo. It is the first one in a long time I actually like to look at.

Q

What Was

Walk in
Walk out
Leave your face at the door
I see your smile; it haunts my mind
And drips from my eyes to the floor

Take my trust
Steal my soul
Render me wasted and bare
Puncture my veins; bleed me of life
Accept me; say you care

Weaken my knees
Strangle my strength
Tug on my heart with your claws
Feast on my fear
TELL ME YOU CARE
Lie to me; bring back what was....

Okay, I wrote that quite some time ago, for another unrequited love, but never was able to finish it. I think I found the words. But it describes more aptly what I felt 8 weeks ago, although I could never have concentrated long enough to actually think of words then. I do want What Was. But I know it is gone, and absolutely unfair of me to expect someone to change fundamentally in order to support my happiness. I wouldn't be happy anyway. I so accutely feel the pain of those I love, that I am far healthier and happier when THEY are happy. But I do miss the illusion of normalcy---married, nice house, all so very middle class. Now I fear I am again being exposed for the alien I am, that I have always been. So unlike the others, so desperate to keep that a secret.

Q

New Shoes

I did something very unlike me. I invited 6 of my friends, whom I trust and respect and admire, to read my last post. This blog is still somewhat uncomfortable for me, like shoes that don't quite fit. I have always written out my angst...in poetry, epic tortured ramblings on scrap paper, sometimes only in my head. But I NEVER let people read it! It would be like walking out of the house naked or getting up to sing the national anthem at the Stanley Cup final. But, taking advice from the great modern philosopher, George Costanza, I decided to "do the opposite" of everything I would usually do. As George said so eloquently, his life was going nowhere doing what he was doing, so theoretically, if he did the exact opposite, it would turn around. And it did.
So I went public.

I wanted these people, these wise friends who have known me between 10 and 30 years, to give me answers. Although my good brain knew they would not criticize or think me self-consumed (I'm not, right?), my distorted brain imagined their responses: "Oh, she thinks she's a writer now!"; "For God's sake, isn't she over this yet...blah blah, we're all bored to tears already"; "How dramatic! Get over yourself!".

In fact, this is what they said:

"You promised not to give up on love. You didn't. He did. A relationship takes the commitment of two people, not just one. The relationship died. You didn't. Hopefully you learned about your capacity to love, care for, and forgive in a relationship. Hopefully you never blame yourself for his decision to end the relationship. If love is a rose and one person is the sun and the other is water - it takes two to make it grow and remain beautiful. When the sun is removed, or no water remains, the rose cannot and will not survive. But the sun can find other flowers to bring life to, so too can the water nurture life elsewhere. So your vow was to not give up on the love you found. Honest and sincere, you meant it and stuck by it, but sadly he doesn't want you anymore. So let god, karma, fate, destiny take care of his journey through life. Your vow - which is ultimately to be the most loving and caring person you could be, is complete. Til death do you part in this instance wasn't about the physical death of a person but the figurative death of the relationship."

"When the vow breaks you realize that it took two to make the vows. You vowed to each other. When he goes, there ain't noone left to be loyal to. Your vow, my sweet, is really to G.D. That is who you stay loyal to, not a person who does not at this time understand the significance of a divine union. Stay loyal to G.D and know that you are still a beautiful, significant woman. Give your love to a small child who has none. See how your divinity is made manifest in your vows through that relationship instead. So much more purposeful right now."

"I've been thinking about your question of vows. I don't know the answer, but I do think I understand the question. As it bubbles around my brain, I keep coming back to the idea of energy, how it cannot be created or destroyed, only changed in form. You're right, just because he has chosen to (is unable to, whatever) no longer honour his vows, doesn't mean that you have to 'break' yours. But maybe there's a different way of thinking about this. Maybe the vow can stay just as strong, but change in form. A vow is like a prayer, it has power. The words actually do something in the world, they change things, they act upon others. It's why we say them out loud. But they're not static. They can move and breathe and change form, just like we can.
To me, the decision to get married was just as much a decision to be present and alive as it was a decision to be faithful to X. It was a commitment to myself. Maybe part of what make vows so profound is our capacity for making them. You still have that power. While you're healing, your promise to love, honour, and cherish is still acting in the world. And while it's shifting and changing form, maybe that vow can come back and take care of you as you work through this. "

I have some wonderful, wise friends. For that, I am eternally thankful.